Why I Read 50 Shades

This past weekend I watched 50 shades darker..the ‘new’ E.L James inspired movie.

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Most of you keep hearing and using the phrase 50 shades but I am sure most of you do not know much about E.L James or her 50 shades franchise. Erika Leonard James is currently the highest paid novelist with Forbes placing her income at $95 million including film rights to her books. She has sold over 125 million copies of the books (they are 4 currently) since they came out in 2012 and even in 2017, she is still raking in millions of pounds.

So, boys and gals, What comes to your mind when you hear the phrase? Do you think whips and chains? Ben wa balls? Clamps? Dominatrix outfits? Or are you part of the population that does not care about a romance like mills and boon on steroids trilogy?

Personally I feel like everyone has a certain jaded perception about the 4 books by E.L James. I say this because I got shot dirty looks whenever I carried any of the books so I opted reading the e-books from my tablet just for the element of mystery and because I got tired of the many questions and comments like ‘yani you are that chic who loves bdsm’. See the not so subtle judgy remarks? I could be reading a book about robotics but that doesn’t mean I am crazy about engineering. Maybe I am just widely read.

I asked three random guys what the 50 shades hulla balloo was all about (what they really thought about the books and/or the movies)

Guy 1 – 50 shades is about porn. Lots of porn (really??)

Guy 2 – Referring to the second movie 50 shades darker said, ‘its not just about sex in a relationship, its about love and baggage, and
finding someone who cares about you long enough to help you sort through your baggage’ (aww)

Guy 3 – Don’t know, Don’t care. (nonchalant much?)

So this is why I read ALL the books of the 50 shades trilogy…and watched the 2 movies. Yes. All. Of. Them. 50 shades of Grey, 50 shades darker, 50 shades freed and Grey.

Curiosity had a lot to do with it I must say. Why curiosity?
Because I am the kind of chic who falls in love with characters in books. I envision their lives, what they have for breakfast, what they do in their spare time, the color of their hair, their personas and such then zone out as I visualize all this. I was curious about Anastasia (that’s the girl who falls in love with the billionaire Christian Grey). I wondered why she did not have an email address in 2011 at the age of 22 (while I had a Yahoo.co.uk email address at 18). I was curious about her introducing her man to her step father and him being so okay and casual with him. Let’s face it, I am African… introducing any man to your folks IS A BIG DEAL!! And African parents never forget who you introduce to them. But then I guess its all parents. No?

I also happened to be curious about this mysterious man who was so messed up he never wanted to be touched (at one point he and Anastasia use a lipstick to draw only the areas that she was allowed to touch on his body – arms, and neck and his hair). My curiosity was also focused on how this man became a billionaire at the age of 26. How and when he ran his empire since all they ever did was explore their sexuality all the time in his ‘red room of torture’. Were all wealthy billionaires 50 shades of messed up? Do they all struggle with sexual desires that are extra ordinary and forbidden? So I read on & each and every single word came alive in my head.

And my deductions after the fourth and final book, which was the story as narrated by Christian Grey were that:

We are all deeply troubled human beings. Yes we go on about life like we are happy, but deep down, we are troubled souls. We struggle with affirmation, and with rejection and we google quotes on happiness to lift our spirits but, We all struggle with acceptance and the fear of not being good enough (atelophobia). Christian felt like the minute he disclosed his darkest secrets Anna would leave and she did yes, though she came back. This I suppose is because anyone worth being in your life as your life partner will be there through the good, the bad and the downright ugly and scary. This is called love. And according to 1 Cor 13, love is not self seeking or selfish, its forgiving and remembers no wrong doings.

Love is ever evolving. And if you are lucky, you evolve in the right direction and together. Initially, when they started out Grey was too controlling, obsessive and very possessive. Anna remains true to herself. She tries to bend over backwards to really please the guy withe the kinky stuff but eventually, she realizes she can only be herself (this is what wins Grey over). He does marry her when he realizes that she is unlike anyone he had met simply because she was herself. Lover of English tea and all.
Also, the fact that she was dating a 26 year old billionaire buying her an Audi, an i-pad and going for helicopter rides at the drop of a hat never made her feel any different, the material stuff was nice, but she wanted Grey to be himself with her and to communicate! Ladies, be yourself! If and when the money fizzles out character is what sees people through life.

The person who loves you signs up for the most unflattering version of yourself. By unflattering I mean waking up in the morning with no makeup whatsoever and having crusts in your eyes yet they kiss you and still call you beautiful, when you are down with a flu, red itchy eyes and a running nose, they make you chicken noodle soup to warm you up. When you eat bad sushi from the new place that you were dying to try out and your tummy acts up at 4am in the night and you are short of passing out from dehydration on the bathroom floor they hold your weave to make sure it does not get any food remains as you retch. There is a tampon scene in 50 shades darker that got women all antsy. Anna is on her period and Grey reaches…and pulls the blue tampon string..and tosses it into a nearby toilet. Would the person you love be in a gross situation and act like a gentleman all through?

Its important to get rid of baggage in a relationship or a marriage. In the plot, Elena is the elderly lady who happens to be a good friend to Grey’s adopted mom. She introduced Grey to the kink to fulfil her own s&m desires when he was 15. Grey was a minor and did not know any better + he was looking for a mother figure in Elena and she takes advantage; besides he came from a broken home and his biological mother commits suicide by overdosing right in front of him. He was just a 5 year old boy. All through the story line Elena haunts Grey and attempts severally to rekindle what they shared. All the while, Ana makes a lasting impression on Grey and he voices it in the movie when he confronts her and the kinky demons from his past ‘Elena, you taught me how to f***, while Anastasia taught me how to love’. Additional baggage is Jose, her best friend, the guy clearly smitten by Ana but she is blind to all his advances including the showcase for his photography where he had hung huge life size canvases of her. Messy entanglements happen all the time, but the person you love should help you unpack all your baggage one suitcase at a time.

50 shades anyone?

For the Creatives & the Followers

 

cofee-style

‘Instead of thinking outside the box, get rid of the box

Deepak Chopra.

For the Followers:

This post is dedicated to my 8 followers (those who clicked on that small icon marked follow so they could be notified whenever a new post goes up).Its for the 44 people in the European union countries that clicked on my previous post, the 23 in Norway, the 9 in the U.K, the 6 in Qatar, the 5 in Australia, the 40 in the States, & the 800 in Kenya all who have read and re-shared.

My previous post was read 1,100 times. The one before that, 878 times. The stats are as I have listed. I was stunned, and humbled. But more humbled than stunned. So this post too is for the 4 people who clicked on my blog last night to see what I have been upto. Its for those who have the courage to email and ask when new posts are coming up, why my last blog post was in November last year and why I have not been writing (I am sorry).

I feel very apologetic because I have a gift that I do not put to use often. Admittedly I have struggled with consistency, managing to be consistently inconsistent with my writing. I love writing but putting in the time has been my challenge. I do not want to be the guy who lets his talent sit inactive and does not nurture it eventually that it loses meaning and now am stuck with getting it back up ->  http://www.bikozulu.co.ke/the-iron-curtain/ <- 

I want to be bold and fearless with my writing. I want to write, and write some more. I want to put in the extra time.. so please dear followers, I encourage you to share with me any topics that you may want me to write about. Let this be your platform. Your voice. Once again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading, for retweeting, for sharing and for following.

For the creatives:

Who is a creative? A creative (n) is  as a thought process leader. An artistic individual, an influencer of people through their innate gifts and talents. A creative may be a writer, a photographer, a designer, a painter, a song writer, a singer. Basically someone who colors the world with beauty and life. A creative see the world in a new and sometimes different light, we at one time struggle with mental block. As do I.

Most times mental block is as a  result of the interconnection between the emotional and personal life of the creative. We creatives are troubled human beings who constantly struggle with over thinking, fear of public failure, fear of not being good enough (atelophobia) and so on. Sometimes the deep and dark thoughts are overwhelming in the midst of the creation process. So here are some life hacks for the creatives …

Learn to work and deliver through the chaos that life bring. Life can be super chaotic with so much happening and people demanding a lot from you in all aspects of your life. Strive for a balance. Let your habits work for you as you figure out the best routine or structure and ice all that with spontaneity.

Find what motivates you and constantly refuel yourself with it by chasing it and amping yourself with it. It may be an amazing book, a documentary, dinner with someone whose company you cherish, a walk in the rain or a long drive alone. Chase your motivation and chase it fiercely!

Cultivate and grow your art. Consider taking up a class that is purely unconventional but related to what you love. A social media class for  creatives would come in handy or you may volunteer to be a photographer’s assistant if you are into wedding photography so as to learn the ropes. In short, learn your craft so you may be the best in what you do.

So there you have it folks… keep following and keep creating!

 

**photo credit: @laptopsandlatte on Instagram**

I ‘almost’ got married once

unrequited-love

“Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you ordered that.” ~ Unknown ~ 


Two nights ago I had a very interesting heart to heart with my mum about relationships and marriage; that conversation inspired this post. I love that I have come of age and I can openly talk with her about anything and ours is not just a typical mother-daughter relationship, she is a very good friend too (anyway I digress). So I blew her mind away by confessing about the time I turned down a marriage proposal without her knowledge…

I almost got married once. I was 21 he was 35. The year was 2008 and I had just joined uni. We met in church. Rather, we met again in church for the second time after a very long while. First time we met I was 10 and he was one of my folk’s tenants then he moved away. First forward 11 years later… We met in church after the Sunday service just shortly after 1pm as the congregants were making small talk after the preaching. So guy X walks up to me looking dapper in a 3piece suit, cravat and all then introduced himself with that confidence that was borderline cocky the kind that is over confident you roll your eyes mentally. He looked familiar but I could not place where I knew him from.  From the way he walked I could tell he was used to chics throwing themselves at him because he was of caramel complexion, but as we Kenyan folk call it – team light skin. I did not care for 2 reasons; one – am also team light skin and that has never mattered to me because I was teased about it all through high school, and two – I believe someone needs to bring more than just good looks to the table.

He complimented me, made me blush until my dimples showed by telling me how I had come to my own from the shy ten year old that he knew to a bubbly young lady and proceeded to invite me to his place the next Sunday for lunch. Now this is where them warning bells should have gone off because who invites a gal he’s just ‘met’ over to his place for just lunch? So young, naïve but bold Penny agreed to take him up on his lunch offer after we exchanged numbers. The deal was to call him once I got to his apartment block and he would come fetch me. All week I got endless texts ‘I hope we are on for Sunday dear’ and ‘I have loved you all my life dear’. Now this is where I should have deleted/ blocked his number but nope…Part of me was so intrigued how this would all pan out and so like a moth to a candle flame I drew nearer and nearer.

Come the material day, we went to church as usual and after turning down my mama’s amazing chapati for lunch because I was hurriedly ‘rushing to campus to complete a due assignment’ I proceeded to Mr. X’s. Now this next part is what blew my mummy’s mind away. Mr.X picked me from the agreed spot, and we got to his house… I should have taken the no tantalizing smells of peppered stew or well done ugali as another sign but anyway, I sat casually on the sofa. So Mr.X turns to me and requests to blind fold me with his tie. I agreed. Now there is something about blindfolds that heighten my senses but that’s a story for another day. I could hear him ruffling plastic bags on the coffee table and a silent door bang. He finally sat right next to me and took off the blind fold.

Right in front of me was a huge cake with pink and white frosting with the words ‘Will you marry me’ and next to the cake, was a gold watch and an engagement ring; a silver ring with a decent rock. I looked at the guy with a very puzzled look. Forget the me knowing him for all of one week aspect. Now if I was to accept the proposal in spite of it not being a proper one with him on a bended knee, his words threw me off. ‘Wambui, I want you to know that I want to marry you. I can afford to pay your university school fees and before you get to fourth year I will have bought you a car.’ My next reaction was a priceless one. I got up to my feet, told him that contrary to what he believed, my parents were more than capable of paying my school fees and that I wanted to buy my first car myself with my own money then I grabbed my back pack and left – never to be heard off from again.

In retrospect, how do you know that you are of age and you need to settle down? When is the right age to settle down and start a family? Is age a factor? Is maturity? How about promises of a brighter future? In light of everyone my age getting married, I came up with 3 things that guide you to know when you are not ready for marriage.

  1. You are not mentally ready to handle the responsibilities of being a wife or a husband and neither are you done exploring. At 21 all I wanted was to club hop between Molly’s in Westlands, Red Tape, Rezorous or Black diamond and finally wind up my night at Changez. We called it electric avenue. I had no business of being someone’s wife or being a home maker and even changing diapers. I wanted my dress short and my heels high (just like my standards) and dance to ‘live your life’ by T.I and sing along to ‘I kissed a girl’ by Katy Perry. If all you want to do is explore the club/night life then get that out of your system unapologetically. We all need to outgrow some stuff – just don’t drag someone along in a dead end relationship.
  2. You do not envision yourself with the person long term. Long term here involves putting the kids to bed at night, attending boring PTA meetings or at your child’s graduation. Granted a wedding is mad fun, but the reality of what lies ahead begins long before the caterers pack up their cutlery and the guests go home. This is the person you will be with during family functions, at special work events, when death strikes and you lose your best friend, or he loses his. Life happens, but if you do not in any way see yourself living your life beside this person, let them go!
  3. You are under pressure – you have attended numerous dowry payment ceremonies, engagement parties, your friends are having bridal showers, going to engagement photo shoots and uploading pictures on Instagram by the minute with #SheSaidyes #HarusiTunayo, your biological clock is ticking by the day and all you feel is pressured by the many hints relatives drop at family functions. I repeat, do not get married if you feel pressured mainly because everyone thinks its time you settled down. Would you rather feel awkward as a third wheel to a friend’s dinner party or feel awkward sitted next to your spouse whose guts you now cannot stand? A marriage is for life. Should be for life and at the very least, take time in selecting a life partner.

Am I ready for marriage you ask? I am readier now than I was at 21 simply because I now know who I am, what my values are, and what I want is someone who complements me not completes me.

 

1 Corinthians 7:1

It is good for a man not to marry; but since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband

 

The Widow Of Zarephath; a woman generous to a fault

 

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Life is full of suffering; but its also full of the overcoming of it – Hellen Keller


Have you ever been faced with a situation that needed you to be generous or giving yet your situation was wanting/ your resources meagre? When someone expects you to give yet you have less than what is needed or required of you because all you know is anguish, grief and setbacks? Such was the plight  that this lady (the widow of Zarephath) faced.

1 Kings 17:8-25

Biblically, widows received special attention and respect because they had experienced profound grief and loss ( Isaiah 1:17). Since God is a protector of widows, we are also called upon to not abuse widows and orphans as such vulnerable people deserve our care, concern and honor as they deal with lifes setbacks. God expects us to support them emotionally with friendship and also materially.

Interesting enough, this lady was not known by her name, or her husband’s surname – she was known by where she was from. A name by any other gives a person a sense of identity but sadly we do not know this lady by any name. Perhaps the anonymity makes it easier for women facing similar challenging situations to identify with her plight and be encouraged in God’s ability to provide for a destitute widow.


Her struggles were primarily three fold:

  1. Death and grief of her husband leaving her to be the breadwinner..technically men were and still are tasked with providing for the family.
  2. Providing for both herself and her boy in a time of a severe 3 year drought with meagre resources was very challenging (when Elijah comes her way she mentions she has only a little oil and flour in her reserve to make her final meal so she and her boy could die)
  3. Having no other family member or a friend to care for her making her poverty very acute and her loneliness saddening (human nature is to always need someone to talk to about life struggles). As a widow, her needs were much more than basic food and sustenance. She needed companionship as well.

In spite of her struggles, this widow was very hospitable towards Elijah the prophet – she was accomodating and welcoming to her house. Much as she had little to herself, she extended her last meal to him as per his request. This very grace that she extended to him, she was extended to as well by a God that she did not even believe in herself;she was a pagan widow (1 Kings 17:14  – the jar of oil shall not be empty, until the day that the Lord sends rain upon the earth). Her unquestionable generosity saved not just her, but her son as well!! This extended grace symbolizes the suffiency of a God that extends outpouring love and mercy to those who have profound faith in his ability.

Generosity is like a wonderful boomerang – it always comes back. Acts of generosity happen to us every other day – someone buys you a gift when you least expect it, or buys you lunch, or offers to pay you bus fare, or goes out of their way to do something thoughtful. We should not however give expecting something in return – God cares and continually grants us exactly what we need in the most unexpected of ways and using the most unexpected of persons. The gift of gratitude combined with generosity, increases God’s presence in our lives..and if God is all we have in times of trouble, then we have all we need.

“Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own” Matthew 6:34  

 

 

To the woman whose husband I ‘steal’ every Monday morning

Back in the 90’s there was a song I absolutely loved by the all girl group TLC ‘no scrubs’… and then some boy band – Sporty Thievz did a rebuttal song to this hit song and theirs went by the name ‘no pigeons’ .

In that regard, consider this blog post as a rebuttal to this post…..

https://lifecatalogs.wordpress.com/2016/06/19/to-the-woman-whom-i-might-be-sharing-my-man-with/

Well, for starters, so much back lash is cast to the other woman as she who preys on an ‘innocent man’ and his family but rarely do we get to hear the other woman’s version of events so here goes…

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You say you think about me, well, I think about you too honey. And your kids. I think about your home, the decor – whether you like pastels or browns, whether you have pets (I know you do – a thorough bred German Shepherd and a Cheshire cat, right?), how often he whips up his infamous pork ribs for you (I cherish his cooking), whether the sex is still as mind blowing as it was when you met, how often it is, how many times YOU cum in one night, whether you ever do it away from the bedroom? And when its in your bedroom is it with the lights off and under the covers? (Okay, let me retract my claws).

Lets disentangle this mess together. You and I. See he loves you, that’s not even in dispute. He does come back to you every night after all doesn’t he? He says he loves me  too (you say this is just a heat of the moment kinda thing because I do back flips on his D, and no matter how many back flips I do in the sack he knows who his heart belongs to). Yes I saw that meme on KMNU. I also see how you and your stay at home mum friends call ‘us’ ugly names that we are forced to own up to – MWK meaning mpango wa kando – sidedish, clande (for the clandestine affair), home wrecker, sponsoree…. SIGH.

I know you dream about me.. Becky with the good hair (sic). You have had sleepless nights about me perhaps even day dreamed about me as you drove the kids to school; in the brand new car he got you to pacify you – as you struggle to get the dizzying and intoxicating new Evoque car smell from you head. I know you have gone through all my social media pages, you have stared endlessly at my pictures wondering what I have that you don’t (and rolled your eyes at the filtered ones) , you wonder whether its my Hermes bag or my blue Louboutins that attracted him to me, or my flawless skin. You even know where I went to school, you know where I work – you know I love pin stripes and my signature cherry lipstick. You have wondered why I rock my brown strapped Rolex in all my pictures. You’ve seen pictures of me and my girls, and with my folks and no they are not divorced. Yes I was hugged as a child, and bought for toys and cuddled and read for bedtime stories.

So why would I turn to home wrecking you ask? See It was never my intention to.

See our man IS the king on the chess board. And the both of us are queens disguised as pawns. And just like queens on the chess board , we are designed to move however we please; diagonally, horizontally, vertically – provided we do not cross paths. He has conditioned us to not meet (In chess its called the N by N queens problem). He plays the field very well I must admit. He knows what lies to placate me with to have me eating from the palm of his hand – he tells me he has another dance recital to attend and he will make it up the coming weekend by making his pork ribs and a night out. He also knows what to get both you and the kids to lay off of his case for weeks – perhaps an out of town trip.

Sweetheart, do not waste  another after-sex minute cuddling with your worry, since I am sure he has not told you that we are trying for a baby. He says he will provide. I am also in a position to.. should he pull a Bill Clinton move on me. I have an amazing job and also have a good medical cover so I will comfortably check myself into the **Princess Zahra Pavillion** when the time comes. I know  for sure that our baby boy Nate will have my flawless skin and HIS dimples and his very very dreamy eyes. We will however not live happily ever after. I know you shall see to it that we do not.

You, like the All American rejects will wish that this 10 year relationship will give me hell. You will hold on to him like a leech every Saturday evening and cast him the side eye when his phone vibrates, and call him 47 times on Fridays to make sure he passes by Teriyaki to bring you and the kids some take out, thus minimizing the chances of him being within arms length of my reach.

Its Okay honey… I too won’t think about you today..

I will however smile and my heart will leap for joy when he calls me on Monday morning at 7am, while in the office asking with his rich husky voice what I’m wearing and telling me that he has cleared his calendar and how would I like it if we flew to Diani for the rest of the day and later to Mombasa to pick up my brand new Evoque?

 

Prepping for that job interview; the 4-step prep plan!

This will be the first of a three part blog  on the Do’s and Dont’s of interviews and interviewing.

Here comes the disclaimer though – while I am no talent recruit manager, or an Hr Associate, I have been fortunate enough to sit on an interviewing panel a couple of times at my work place and admittedly, interviews are very nerve wracking (for the candidate especially). This post will equip you on what to do as you prepare for that interview (read getting the right ammunition before heading out to the battlefield) so as to convince the employer that YOU are the best fit for that position!

stand-out-from-the-crowd-how-to

  1. Plan what to wear – On wearing the right and appropriate business attire, some ‘dress code rules’ cut across for both ladies and gents. The dressing should be formal and conservative (fit for a corporate environment). Keep all your tattoos and body piercings covered, and let your hair be neat not disheveled – beards are not excluded. Keep your jewellery to a minimum; while you would want to shine and look very trendy, candidates who distract the panelists with their dazzling jewellery do not appear to have much to offer to the organization as they seem to be focussed more on being trendy and less on building the organization’s brand. So that means no chunky clanging bracelets and nose/ lip rings. Let your clothes be neatly pressed and wrinkle/ static free. Ensure your shoes are well polished and tended for. Ladies, no teetering in 6inch heels. Also on personal grooming, long talon like nails are simply a no no for guys, especially for that pinkie finger.  For ladies, keep the nail polish conservative – that means no bedazzled nails or mis-matched colors (the panelists may think you also double up as a lady of the night after office hours)….
  2. Conduct your due dilligence on the organization – Research on the organization by gaining information on the organization and its employees. Find out more on the organization’s structure, its financials and perfomance on the stock market, who its directors (if any are), when it was founded, who the founders are or were, what the organization’s core values and mission statement is, the organization’s products, their clientele and so on. All this may appear to be alot, but this is the best opportunity to wow the interviewers by proving that you are the right candidate for the position and this is simply achieved by standing out from the crowd. All this information can be obtained from the company’s website and also by reviewing its social media presence. Also gain more perspective by reviewing the organization’s business publications -so as to get a glimpse into the organization’s  industry standing. You may also gain a competitive edge if you find out who the panelists are, and address them by their job titles. This background information comes in handy when the panelists ask at the interview whether there is a question you would like to ask them (light bulb moment anyone?) 
  3. Plan what to bring – Carry all the requisite documents for the interview. This includes copies of your certificates, recommendation letters, transcripts, copy of your cv and cover letter. Its always best to be overly prepared than assume that the interviewer has all your papers. This conveys to the panelists that you have an ability to fore-see situations and create solutions.
  4.  Polish up on the scope of the job and its responsibilities – This involves reviewing the job ad one more time and keenly looking at the skills that were posted, and reviewing how you match up. Be crystal clear on the scope of work, the employer’s expectations, professional expectations and requirements. Know your cv inside out, as well as your achievements, experiences and skills set. One way to stand out is identifying how your weakness can double as your strength. Being a perfectionist may come across as a weakness – but giving a task the precise attention and detail it deserves makes your weakness a strength.

Once you have the above basics covered, we shall tackle on the next post what to do once you set your foot inside the interviewing room.

Next post – I made it through the door, what next?

When ‘Nice guys’ just won’t call back

“The mind can calculate, but the spirit yearns, and the heart knows what the heart knows”
Stephen King

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Ladies, so you went out with this guy and he has at least five solid ticks on the little list that we women have in our heads. You know – Tall enough- Smells good (all you want to do is bury your head in his chest) – Kind eyes (you’ve already started picturing him rocking your baby to sleep) – Funny (he makes you laugh until your ribs hurt and you’re gasping for air) & he’s intelligent; that great combi of street smart and book smart.

In addition to this, he was the perfect gentleman, he called to tell you when and where to meet him, he picks out a lovely restaurant – cosy with pipe music. He also tipped. Handsomely. The meal was good and the conversation even better, he smiled and complimented your hair and said you looked demure. Let’s be honest here…when is the last time you heard the word demure? So you part ways and he had the courtesy to either drop you home, or pay for your cab ride. You sleep with a smile on your face and go to bed dreaming of him picking you out from a group of your friends covered in lesos during your ruracio.

Morning comes and you check your phone – he could have called late night to say goodnight; and not ask whether you got home safe since he dropped you home afterall. No missed call or text from him. You check your WhatsApp – only forwards from the Family group. You log on Facebook – no new notifications, only pokes from weirdos and ‘tx for di add’ inboxes from people who should learn how to spell. Its not Wednesday, but maybe he has #WCW’d you on Instagram… nothing! Alrighty! You decide to go on with your daily duties, be it work or school and give him the day to call. Lunchtime comes, no calls – you check for the second time whether your ringer is on. You don’t want to miss his call because your phone was on silent. You also check whether its charged or not. Or whether its on Airplane mode because God forbid you’re mteja and he called. Nope! Phone is good.

Evening comes you check your phone once more. Its Friday afterall. Your reasoning is that if the date was that good, he’ll find out whether you two can hang out. 11pm – no text or incoming call. You had not made plans as you wanted your evening all free for when he calls. *Grrrrr!!* You’re pissed, but you rationalise that something could have happened to his phone – maybe it fell and the screen cracked, or it got stolen (insecurity seems to be at an all time high). Or perhaps he forgot his charger in the house and he’s only getting home from work. Or maybe, he was involved in a freak accident and he’s at the police station and his phone is blinking at 7% and he wants to save on charge to call a friend after the mess has been sorted out to come pick him up. You have all these things running through your head and you decide to call it a night (albeit very worried).

Saturday morning comes… no missed calls. You log in to Facebook as you debate whether or not to call him. Only to see he’d checked into 1824 8 hours ago with his boys #teamturnup #whiskyontherocks and from the look of things, he looks very high. So it finally hits you that the guy is not about to call. He won’t call. Ever. Another one bites the dust. And you begin to psycho analyse the conversation you had during the dinner – was it your laugh? Or how you pronounced bolognaise? Was it the way you stared into his dreamy eyes that was bordeline psychotic? Or is there just something wrong with you that he was too polite to point out? Was he even nice at all? No. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you and you need to S-T-O-P the obsessing and the crazy thoughts.

Sit up and take notes. It all comes down to 3 simple rules:

  1. He’s just not that into you. If he’s not calling you – its because you’re not on his mind, you are not a priority. He has 1824 and whisky on his mind. No amount of cyber stalking, retweets and Instagram likes will make him call you. In a world of so many social media platforms its hard to imagine that this won’t catch his attention. Sad, I know. But the harsh reality is that even the busiest man alive (POTUS) calls (FLOTUS) to ask if they can have lunch before he dashes off for ISIS peace talks.
  2. Letting things go – sure he had you staring into his dreamy eyes and in your head you envisioned the both of you shopping for groceries on a random afternoon over the weekend. But you need to focus on other things – like your career or your school work, or a new hobby. Get something to do other than obsess about a phone call and staring at your phone endlessly. Calling to ‘find out if he’s okay’ is just somewhat obsessive and so is leaving voice messages to check up on him.
  3. Men do the chasing. The irony of the situation is, when you find yourself so busy with your life, he might actually call. Men enjoy the chasing and the conquering. (Its that huntering/ gathering mentality thing actually). If you take a step back from it all, he’ll actually realise that YOU do have a life, and he might call – you refraining from calling him actually raises the stakes of him calling (I know it makes no sense in our pretty heads but it actually does). He might eventually call, months later, and you my dear, will have moved on to the next pair of dreamy eyes that took you out on a couple of dates, and calls regularly.

You are sweet, a queen and deliciously demure but resist from the waiting for a man to call syndrome. If he calls, well and good. If he doesn’t, adjust your crown and focus on building YOUR empire.