When ‘Nice guys’ just won’t call back

“The mind can calculate, but the spirit yearns, and the heart knows what the heart knows”
Stephen King

phone

Ladies, so you went out with this guy and he has at least five solid ticks on the little list that we women have in our heads. You know – Tall enough- Smells good (all you want to do is bury your head in his chest) – Kind eyes (you’ve already started picturing him rocking your baby to sleep) – Funny (he makes you laugh until your ribs hurt and you’re gasping for air) & he’s intelligent; that great combi of street smart and book smart.

In addition to this, he was the perfect gentleman, he called to tell you when and where to meet him, he picks out a lovely restaurant – cosy with pipe music. He also tipped. Handsomely. The meal was good and the conversation even better, he smiled and complimented your hair and said you looked demure. Let’s be honest here…when is the last time you heard the word demure? So you part ways and he had the courtesy to either drop you home, or pay for your cab ride. You sleep with a smile on your face and go to bed dreaming of him picking you out from a group of your friends covered in lesos during your ruracio.

Morning comes and you check your phone – he could have called late night to say goodnight; and not ask whether you got home safe since he dropped you home afterall. No missed call or text from him. You check your WhatsApp – only forwards from the Family group. You log on Facebook – no new notifications, only pokes from weirdos and ‘tx for di add’ inboxes from people who should learn how to spell. Its not Wednesday, but maybe he has #WCW’d you on Instagram… nothing! Alrighty! You decide to go on with your daily duties, be it work or school and give him the day to call. Lunchtime comes, no calls – you check for the second time whether your ringer is on. You don’t want to miss his call because your phone was on silent. You also check whether its charged or not. Or whether its on Airplane mode because God forbid you’re mteja and he called. Nope! Phone is good.

Evening comes you check your phone once more. Its Friday afterall. Your reasoning is that if the date was that good, he’ll find out whether you two can hang out. 11pm – no text or incoming call. You had not made plans as you wanted your evening all free for when he calls. *Grrrrr!!* You’re pissed, but you rationalise that something could have happened to his phone – maybe it fell and the screen cracked, or it got stolen (insecurity seems to be at an all time high). Or perhaps he forgot his charger in the house and he’s only getting home from work. Or maybe, he was involved in a freak accident and he’s at the police station and his phone is blinking at 7% and he wants to save on charge to call a friend after the mess has been sorted out to come pick him up. You have all these things running through your head and you decide to call it a night (albeit very worried).

Saturday morning comes… no missed calls. You log in to Facebook as you debate whether or not to call him. Only to see he’d checked into 1824 8 hours ago with his boys #teamturnup #whiskyontherocks and from the look of things, he looks very high. So it finally hits you that the guy is not about to call. He won’t call. Ever. Another one bites the dust. And you begin to psycho analyse the conversation you had during the dinner – was it your laugh? Or how you pronounced bolognaise? Was it the way you stared into his dreamy eyes that was bordeline psychotic? Or is there just something wrong with you that he was too polite to point out? Was he even nice at all? No. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you and you need to S-T-O-P the obsessing and the crazy thoughts.

Sit up and take notes. It all comes down to 3 simple rules:

  1. He’s just not that into you. If he’s not calling you – its because you’re not on his mind, you are not a priority. He has 1824 and whisky on his mind. No amount of cyber stalking, retweets and Instagram likes will make him call you. In a world of so many social media platforms its hard to imagine that this won’t catch his attention. Sad, I know. But the harsh reality is that even the busiest man alive (POTUS) calls (FLOTUS) to ask if they can have lunch before he dashes off for ISIS peace talks.
  2. Letting things go – sure he had you staring into his dreamy eyes and in your head you envisioned the both of you shopping for groceries on a random afternoon over the weekend. But you need to focus on other things – like your career or your school work, or a new hobby. Get something to do other than obsess about a phone call and staring at your phone endlessly. Calling to ‘find out if he’s okay’ is just somewhat obsessive and so is leaving voice messages to check up on him.
  3. Men do the chasing. The irony of the situation is, when you find yourself so busy with your life, he might actually call. Men enjoy the chasing and the conquering. (Its that huntering/ gathering mentality thing actually). If you take a step back from it all, he’ll actually realise that YOU do have a life, and he might call – you refraining from calling him actually raises the stakes of him calling (I know it makes no sense in our pretty heads but it actually does). He might eventually call, months later, and you my dear, will have moved on to the next pair of dreamy eyes that took you out on a couple of dates, and calls regularly.

You are sweet, a queen and deliciously demure but resist from the waiting for a man to call syndrome. If he calls, well and good. If he doesn’t, adjust your crown and focus on building YOUR empire.